Tag Archives: sarcasm

Who Knew?

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Who knew that little green thing in there could cause such drama? Not me…that’s for sure.

I’ve had kind of a crappy few months. Just before Christmas break I got some nasty virus. Of course it’s at Christmas time – because I had already asked off from work for the holidays, the kids didn’t have school…. Anyway, that virus escalated into near pneumonia which took about 2 weeks to get over. Miraculously I was better JUST in time to go back to work without missing a beat. Stellar holiday vacay.

Back to work, all is well – start to feel a bit under the weather. I wasn’t really sure what it was, just didn’t feel “right.” That is said in quotes and rather loosely because most who know me would say that I’m never “right.” Anyway. This one particular night my back seized up. I say seized up because I really don’t know any other way to describe it. I felt like I was being given a super rough bear hug by a sword wielding super ninja bear that was pissed off that his honey had been taken when he awoke from hibernation. Did I mention that he was pissed? I tossed and turned and shed some tears trying to get comfortable; standing, sitting, lying down – on my tummy, my back, my left side, my right side…..absolutely nothing worked. Then like magic, the next morning I was ok. A little sore from the bear wrangling, but not too worse for the wear.

This pattern continued for a week or so and then the pain began to creep around my ribs and settle into the center of my chest. I really just believed it to be strained muscles from all of the aforementioned bear wrangling – I would cry a little, take some Aleve and move on.

Long story short (don’t you love that…I’ve already spent 3 paragraphs on it, it’s apparently not so short – but hey, I’m Irish, we don’t DO short stories), I ended up in the Emergency Room on a lovely Monday night full of narcotics and signing a release to take out my wicked infected and inflamed gallbladder.

The next 36 hours were all pretty much a blur. I was in and out of consciousness, either from anesthesia or pain meds and quite frankly I was just fine with that. I was discharged Wednesday mid-morning  in a haze of drug induced happiness thinking that I would go home, rest for a few days and be good to go. Yeah – not so much.

I’m sore, I’m grouchy, I’m bored, I’m hungry……and supposedly this is all NORMAL?? What the hell? Seriously?

“You have to give your body time to recover from the invasiveness (is that even a word?) of surgery,” “Your incisions will heal in a few weeks time, just be patient,” “It’s completely normal to be sad and moody after general anesthesia, within 6 months you’ll feel better,” “Enjoy the time you have to relax and rest,” “Your digestive system will regulate itself over time,” “Just have everyone wait on you hand and foot.” I DID NOT sign a paper about any of this stuff. I know the pain meds were strong but believe you me I would’ve remembered this shit.

I feel ok as long as I’m sitting on the sofa but for the love of all that’s good don’t expect me to walk to the kitchen and back without being exhausted. I rest peacefully as long as I’ve taken a pain pill and I’m in the recliner on the sofa, but don’t expect to lie in my bed like a normal person and sleep. I’m bored out of my mind and no I don’t want to watch ANOTHER episode of anything at all nor do I want to watch any more Olympics nor do I want to….see where this is going? And while I’m this bored, don’t expect me to get up and actually DO anything because..well…I’m exhausted. I’m so hungry I feel like I could eat an entire pizza or a steak or a lobster dinner, but don’t expect me to eat anything other than scrambled eggs and toast because everything else has my tummy rumbling and me speed shuffling to the ladies room.

I suppose the moral to this story is this: if you have pain, get it checked out, and if you end up on the wrong side of a surgical scalpel try to remember that recovery is a process and it’s gonna suck for awhile. I’m just not yet sure for how long.

Silver lining: I’ve lost 9 pounds already. Now, could someone please make me a cuppa and pass the damn remote!!

Decoration Deadline

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I am not a Scrooge. I love Christmas time – I super love Christmas lights. One of my favorite things to do in the final weeks of the year is to drive around and see what clever decorations people have erected. You can kinda get a feel for the personality of the family living inside just by looking at their Christmas decorations. Some are reserved, some elegant, some a bit flashy…you can also tell if the family has young children (evidenced by Snoopy and/or Mickey Mouse in the yard). Granted, these assumptions aren’t always correct but often they are spot on.

Here’s the trouble though……Christmas decorations have a deadline. Seriously. Every town should have a mandatory time when Christmas decorations must be taken down. We’re now almost two full weeks into the new year and it drives me just a wee bit crazy to see full-on displays still up. And being turned on. I can understand if you haven’t had time to take all the lights down and get them stored away in the garage……but do they need to be turned on every night? I just don’t understand the desire to have them up until spring. My tree usually comes down Christmas day – I realize this may be a bit extreme, but when Christmas is over, for me it’s over. Time to clean up the mess and move into the new year unencumbered by blinking lights and stray tinsel.

Let’s keep Christmas lights and decorations confined to Christmas time – it makes them more special – and it keeps your electric bill down.

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

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ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER

Do you know which one it is? Can you venture a guess?

If you chose the photo on the far right you would be correct. Because you see, THAT is the only one of these items that politicians are not attempting to control.

Am I the only woman in America who is completely fed up with the hypocrisy that is our politicians? First the regulations started on birth control. What began as personal and/or religious reasons for choosing or not choosing to use birth control has grown into an arena that is larger than many of us realize. It’s now okay for a pharmacist to refuse a woman birth control – even if she has a prescription for it from a doctor – if it is “against said pharmacist’s beliefs.” Um, WHAT??? So, my choice to conceive or not to conceive is dependent upon the “beliefs” of a pharmacist? But it doesn’t stop there, no no. Now we’re facing every old, white, male Republican who “believes” that a woman’s place is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen making dinner and knitting socks. Because you see, it should be apparent that these men know what is best for us ladies. Certainly we just weren’t built to handle such harrowing decisions as whether we want to give birth or not.

Surely these fellas, such as John Carter (R Texas)

or Tom Price (R Georgia) know more about what is best for me than I do.

Let’s move on.

Now we have Mayor Bloomberg of New York City putting a new initiative in place beginning in September that he says is an “effort to encourage breastfeeding.” On the surface I thought this was a great idea. I generally tend to agree with Mayor Bloomberg’s ideas on things, he is an Independent and doesn’t seem quite so bound by party line decisions. But, this initiative, in my opinion, is a massive trampling of women’s rights.

“Latch On NYC” will “encourage” women to breastfeed by placing formula on the same type of lock-down dispensing regulations as medications. Formula is only to be given to new mothers (even samples in the going-home gift bags) if the mother has a medical need or specifically asks for them. Nurses will have to document how much formula they dispense and to whom. Um, WHAT????

While I agree that breastfeeding is great for baby this form of encouragement is not. What about ladies who have to return to work immediately because they have no maternity leave therefore they cannot breastfeed even if they want to. What about ladies who have given birth out of an unplanned pregnancy – whether it was an “oopsie” or from rape because we all know that really it makes no difference (please note sarcasm) – but maybe the “miracle of motherhood” is not what a lady wanted and has a serious issue with a tiny human latching on and suckling from her breast. There are a myriad of other scenarios that could go in this paragraph but I think the point is made. Shall we now make our new mothers feel extreme guilt and/or worthlessness or as if they are horrible mothers if they cannot or choose to not breastfeed?

The key word here is CHOOSE. For both of these issues the problem comes down to choice. Why does someone other than me have the right to choose for me? Especially with things as intimate and personal as whether I conceive or whether I breastfeed. Please note, I have three children so I am not oblivious to the joys of being a mother. But I CHOSE to be a mother just like I CHOSE to breastfeed my babies. I chose, not politicians. I want my daughter to be able to choose for herself. Why are we taking steps backwards?

This brings me to the third picture – the one that is different. You see, that image is of the only intimate decision that there is not an attempt to regulate. Medications for erectile dysfunction. Pecker pills. It’s interesting to me that the same men who have apparently been bestowed with almighty knowledge to know what is best for every woman also believe that there is no reason for a man to not be able to choose if he wants to have an erection or not. Does anyone else see the hypocrisy here? Essentially, women should procreate and breastfeed because the men say so, and it will happen frequently because the men will be taking medication to ensure they are ever-ready with their erections. I mean let’s face it, you never know when the moment will be right.

I wonder how many times a man will be refused ED medication by their pharmacist…..oh wait….none, because they don’t have the right to refuse the men this. They can only refuse women the medication to prevent pregnancies from the erections they are selling the men.

There are so many other things that our politicians should be focusing on. Unemployment, Social Security, Medicare, Education, Oil Prices, Inflation……but no, let’s worry about women and their girly parts.

Makes sense.

Like is Like So Irritating

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Is there a word or a phrase that drives you bonkers? One that when you hear it sounds eerily similar to fingernails on a chalkboard? One that makes you have to literally bite your tongue in an effort to not chastise the speaker? No? Me neither…..

Actually yes, yes there is one such word/phrase for me. “LIKE”

The word “like” should be used in a grammatically correct fashion. “Like” is a flexible word and can be used correctly in several different ways.

For example:

Used as a preposition in comparisons: (a) Introducing a simile – She plays like Mozart. (b) Non-simile comparison – Biff has a truck like Bob’s.

Used as a verb: I like cake batter ice cream.  Or Leslie likes Jacob.

Or another correct way is as a subordinating conjunction: They look like they have been having fun.

The way that drives me CRAZY goes something LIKE this…….

Like, did you see that outfit? It was like the ugliest color I’ve ever seen. And her shoes were like ridiculous. Her hair was like all frizzy in the back. And like her makeup made her look like so slutty. Does she not like have any friends to tell her she looks like so stupid?

This irritates and confuses me. Well, it doesn’t really confuse me but I feign confusion if one my kids speaks this way. I’ll respond with, “Was it LIKE the ugliest color or WAS it the ugliest color?” Then of course I am treated to dramatic eye rolling and sighing as if I am undoubtedly the dumbest person on the planet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware that this is how people speak these days. I almost wrote that this is how teenagers speak but that would not be accurate. I have overheard many adults speaking in the same fashion. Has this become the updated version of “UM?” Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I believe I prefer UM to LIKE being used 5 times in every sentence.

So tell me – what is the word or phrase that does your head in? Is it “like” or maybe the excessive use of “dude?” Or maybe it’s the use of “peace” when the speaker is not really promoting peace, or the use of “righteous” when not speaking about anything actually righteous. Or maybe “awesome” when the subject is not one the actually inspires awe but instead is just sort of okay. I think there quite a few worthy possibilities here.

And don’t even get me started on the use of “LOL” in spoken communication……….

 

Golf Is For Women Too

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I really enjoy playing golf. Well….ok…..honestly I enjoy it most of the time. When I’m playing like crap, I’ve swung what feels like 9 million times through 15 holes, I’ve lost pricey pink balls and gotten my cute shoes dirty I don’t like it so much. But still, most of the time I have fun.

It’s nice that at every club we have gone to play, I am allowed to actually play. Because I am after all a woman.

So what is the deal with Augusta National? Seriously. It’s 2012.

I don’t know if you follow golf at all or are familiar with the traditions that surround some clubs. But right now there’s a whole lot of hoopla about one particular issue. Women.

Here’s the thing: IBM is one of the major sponsors of the Master’s which is of course held at Augusta National. For nearly 30 years now the CEO of IBM has been granted a membership to the exclusive club. Now comes the snafu……the current CEO is a woman. Oh no!!(please note my sarcasm)

I can appreciate wanting to preserve the sanctity of a private country club. I get that club members want to be in a peaceful setting where they feel comfortable. I even understand that the members pay dues and therefore are entitled to some benefits. But discrimination should not be one of them.

Not until 1990 was the first African-American member allowed to join. 1990!!!! The Civil Rights Movement began around 1954. I’ve never been good at math but that kinda seems like a long time to continue the discrimination against having black members. There’s even a Civil Rights Act of 1964 that says so.

Okay, so now Augusta National has been forced to allow African-Americans as members but they missed the memo about women.

Why is it that these men are so threatened by the presence of a woman? Did you see the sign in the picture that CNN reported? It shows a demonstration by women regarding the discrimination against us and there’s a fellow…a lovely little fellow (please note sarcasm), holding a sign in the midst of these women that reads “Iron My Shirts.” Yes really, that is indeed what it says.

So back to what prompted me to write about this. Virginia Rometty is IBM’s current CEO. She has been listed as one of Fortune magazine’s “50 Most Powerful Women in Business” for SEVEN consecutive years. When Sam Palmisano stepped down as President and CEO of IBM he made a statement regarding Rometty’s promotion saying, “Ginni got it because she deserved it…..It’s got zero to do with progressive social policies” (New York Times, October 25, 2011). Ms. Rometty is clearly not the “token” woman on the board of directors…..she is excellent at what she does. She has earned her position and recognition in the business world.

I was enraged when upon reading an article about how “interesting” it would be to see what the club does with this new dilemma my eyes couldn’t help but scan the comments readers had posted. The one that made the angriest was this: “Some 1% bitch buys her way in. Excuse me while I gag….”

I typed a lengthy response to the obviously enlightened commenter (yes, that’s sarcasm) but then deleted it. My guess is he’ll never look at the article again, much less have any type of rebuttal that is worth listening to. But here are my responses to his comment in a nutshell.

1. She is not “some”….she is “the” woman. At least at IBM she is anyway.

2. Is she a part of the 1%? Yes, she most likely is; just like all the other members of Augusta National. Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lou Holtz are also members. Funny how he didn’t mention them in his rant.

3. The “bitch” comment. Maybe she is. But, she just may be the nicest woman you’ve ever met. As was noted in a conversation I was having earlier today (not about this subject funny enough), there is no real male equivalent to bitch. For the purpose of this argument I’m going to use prick. My guess is that a few of the current members could be described that way. Of course to be fair, the men most likely won’t achieve the same level of “prickishness” that she could be capable of because she does in fact menstruate. And we all know that women are out of control once a month (so much sarcasm).

4. Buys her way in?? Seriously? She’s the President and CEO of a major worldwide company. The same company that has been granted a membership privilege for said position for 30 years now. I could be wrong but I kinda doubt that when she earned her promotion that she said, “YES, finally, NOW I can be a member of Augusta.” I really just don’t equate buying your way in with merit. I just don’t.

5. Excuse me while I gag???? Yes I suppose the idea of fair and equal treatment of all human beings is sickening to some. There’s really nothing else to say about that.

To wrap this up, here is what I hope. I hope that Augusta National does the right thing here. It should have been done a long time ago but late is better than never. In my opinion women like Hillary Clinton and Pat Summitt should have been invited to join years ago. Women love to golf too yet there are no female only golf clubs because of course THAT would be unconstitutional.

Extend membership to Virginia Rometty, just like every other IBM CEO for the past 30 years. Do the right thing Augusta National, just do the right thing.